After putting together my dream team which consisted of my sister Tasia and sweet friend Swati (note- if you are ever in this type of situation I would strongly advise taking exceptionally intelligent and remarkably beautiful women with you. Let’s just say we were treated VERY well), I switched my treatment over to Cedar Sinai. In May of this year I underwent a Gamma-Knife radiation treatment. This was their first option since I was allergic to pain medication and the tumor was small enough to attempt at ‘freezing’ it rather than removing it.
The Night Before Treatment
My older two children were with my folks in Hawaii and my youngest was with my sister and sister-in-law. I was grateful that they were taken care of, but being home by myself was, well, lonely. It was a sad reminder that there was no one there. After being married for 12 years, I still feel the loss of no one lying next to me in bed. I suppose I always will to some extent. I knew there would be two of us receiving the treatment the next day, and as I laid there in bed I thought about who he/she was and how they must be feeling. Lord, comfort them. I know they are scared. Lord, let them feel that you are near.
Boy, this was a tough one. My sister Lea and Swati went with me. The doctors were upbeat and lively. “We decided to do you first.” Wonderful. “We figured since you have had three kids, you will handle the pain better than the other guy.” Fantastic. Talk about pressure; I felt like I had to perform. “I’m sure it won’t be a problem.” I smiled broad and confident, acting as if this was a piece of cake. Bad choice. Wrong choice. In this particular procedure, they screw in four bolts down to your skull. This will hold a metal halo in place that is needed to correctly administer the radiation. Let’s just say that I only remember the first one going in before I passed out. Yep. Out cold. So much for birthing three babies.
I eventually made it through the entire day, but I won’t be the same. I won’t ever be the same. More sober. More quiet. I am not sure how to explain it quite yet, but it changed me. Life seemed more fragile. It was all so surreal; life could be taken at any moment. It was at that point I began to slow down.
He began to slow me down.
Lord, I can’t say I understand or that I see this as good, but nonetheless, here I am. I am listening.