I have been reading posts on a Facebook page called Breathing for Laura. It’s one man’s journey, losing his young wife and raising two little girls on his own. I love his posts. I don’t miss one. I feel so much compassion for this man I don’t even know. My heart hurts for him. My heart hurts for me and my babies. I have so much pain when I read his posts, yet I keep going back to them, knowing if that is to be my journey there would be no one who would be journaling about me and the void that is now left because I am gone. I know it sounds a little morbid, but I struggle with this one. I really do. It doesn’t seem right.
And yet, in the midst of all this God brought me to a very interesting place. He reminded of a prayer I used to pray. About six years ago, with my heart all aflame; I would plead with Him, “Lord, do whatever you need to do to get me where you want me to be.” I knew at the time how dangerous that prayer could be. I mean down right crazy, right? But, I didn’t care. I loved Him. No- I adored Him and that’s all that mattered. Today, He reminded me that He answered that prayer. Really, Lord, this is exactly where you want me to be? Bob… an answered prayer? I am not suggesting that God caused my brain tumor. No, not doing that. I’m not sure exactly what to do with that question, but what I do know is that my life is His. It’s not my own.
While I can’t say I understand all of this, it oddly seems to be enough.
My life is His and there is a freedom in that. I am not in control. I can rest now.