I don’t feel like writing.
I don’t feel like feeling today.
I stumbled across a heart breaking story of a darling 29 year old girl who was diagnosed back in January of this year with a brain tumor, a different kind than Bob. She was originally given ten years to live. Ten years. And they were wrong. Dead wrong.
I sat watching the video with a colleague of mine. We sat there sober afterwards. I finally whispered, ” I think that is my fear. What if they got it wrong?” Thank goodness D was there to catch me. (not trying to hide his identity, that’s just what I call him, “D”) I sobbed and sobbed. What if they are wrong.
I moved on with my day, but I was angry- no, I was pissed. I didn’t want to be where I was. I didn’t want to feel. I just wanted to disappear.
So, how can I go from trusting and loving the Lord one day and in the throws of my pain and fear the next…. because sisters, I am human. If my $50,000 education in therapy ($45,000 for tuition and books and $5,000 for coffee, lattes and wine to get me through the program. I might be slightly exaggerating, but you get the point) has taught me anything, it is to move towards how your pain. Embrace it. Let your anger or hurt sit for a bit and see what rises to the top. Trying to cope with our hurt by shoving it down doesn’t solve a thing because it won’t disappear. Oh, we think it will; we think that if we just push it down far enough or drown it out we won’t have to deal with it, but pain doesn’t play by our rules. It keeps surfacing and resurfacing, rearing it’s ugly head, leaking out every which way. But, pain that is moved towards- embraced- now that is where the healing takes place.
So tonight I gave myself space to be angry. Angry at the world. Angry that it’s me. I know a lot of other people that are mean and crotchety; who aren’t active or eat healthy; they should be the ones going through this, not me. I don’t want it to be me. I don’t want to be here. I want to be falling in love. Having a baby. Planning for the future. Anywhere but here. I am angry, God, and I am angry at you. This is too much. Too much.
I let it sit and I let it be okay.
Okay to be angry. Okay to be hurting.
Okay to not point to Jesus right in this very moment.
I let it be okay to stay right where I was… and then I talked to myself. “You talk to yourself?” Yes, I talk to myself. We listen to lies all the time in our heads saying that we have failed, that we are not good enough, or we should be more like this one or keep a house like that one. I figured since we have all that going on, it’s time to start butting in and caring for ourselves- being kind to ourselves. So yes, as crazy as it sounds, I talk to myself. “You’re just fine, ” I tell myself. “Of course you are angry. You’re scared and you’re afraid” I give myself room to feel and then I gently, very gently, remind myself of the facts. Okay, so here is what I do know. I am doing everything I can. I have been proactive. This is not easy, but I have done everything in my control. I can go only on what my doctors have told me. I will have the MRI and I will know soon. I end with the most important fact of all…..
Alisa, God has not abandoned you in this moment. He hasn’t Because love never leaves. Love never abandons. He loves you right where you are and He knows you love him.
And slowly… slowly, my breathing calmed… and peace returned.