Do you ever act in a way that catches you off guard? “Uhhh… Why did I just do that?”
We were sitting in the office waiting for Dr. Chu to come in. Karin very quietly asked, “Do you want to pray together before the doctor comes in?” I paused for a moment, and declined. I shook my head. There was no look of shock, no scolding or raised eyebrows. She just gently nodded her.
Why did I do that? Why did I decline prayer?
I had to sit with this one a bit. I wasn’t sure. I didn’t feel the least bit of remorse or guilt for my decision. Quite the opposite; I felt such peace while we waited for the doctor. Still, I was surprised by my own response.
As I gave space to unpack this thought, it became clear. I wasn’t passing on Christ being present. I was passing on praying out of fear. You see, it was about the posture of my heart. He had this. For me to pray in that moment would have been more about me trying to cover my fears and less about Him. For me to pray would have moved me out of being fully present in that moment. I wonder how much we miss when our eyes our closed.
Dear sisters, God was in that room. I didn’t need to ask him to comfort me. He already was, through my sweet friends- the doctor- nurses. I could see his fingerprints on everything. He was present through the whole ordeal. (By the way, I KNOW He loves that we have externalized the tumor by referring to it as Bob. I can just hear Him laughing, “Oh dear one, you never cease to amaze me.”) I had no need to talk to him in that fashion because in that moment I just needed to see Him. I needed to know he was near… and He was.
Hear me, dear sisters; I am not saying that I never pray with my eyes closed or that prayer is of no importance. Oh no; never would I speak such words. But, I am challenging us to examine why we pray. I started to become more aware of this during a time of deep intimacy with the Lord. I noticed that my prayers for my children started to wane. Once constantly streaming forth, they became few and more focused. I asked the Lord about this and here is what I learned. I had come to a place where I trusted him more with my children. My prayers out of fear ceased and what was left were God directed prayers. A specific child. A specific struggle. A random topic. Sometimes they made sense and sometimes they did not, but I prayed anyways. The difference was that they were rooted in trust. I had come to the point where I knew He loved them and would walk with them no matter what their journey held. Inhale love. Exhale fear.
With trust comes a letting go and with letting go comes freedom.
You have this, Lord. Whatever our struggle may be, you have this.