50 posts

50 Posts… I never thought I would write fifty. Heck, I never thought I would write more than ten. I guess I had a lot to say… I still have a lot.

I will be honest. I never realized how healing it would be to open myself up to well, like everyone.

It’s funny, there is this part of me that used to scream, “No! No… don’t let them in. You are fine. This isn’t a big deal. You are stronger than that. Don’t show them how weak you really are.” I mean, isn’t that true? Don’t we all have this part of us that fights against what we really want- to be known and loved? It tells us that we can’t show our hurts. It tells us if they knew what we were really like they would not want to be around us and we would be rejected. It convinces us that we can’t show ourselves  totally blowing it or all muddy because then we would be seen as weak, right?

I will never forget after my first few posts I was stunned by the loving responses I received about Bob. I called Karin, I don’t get it. People act like this is a huge deal. “Ummm, yeah,” she responded laughing, “cuz it is.” You see, I had convinced myself that if I were to acknowledge that this was hard and that, yes, I had my days where I was a mess, that somehow I was not capable of handling all of this or worse yet, it would diminish who God was.

What a crock of poop!!!!

All that did was leave me feeling alone….

Dear sisters, let me share with you what I have learned about opening up and sharing- sharing your joys-hurts- your failures. I discovered that some of the truths that I had created, well, they weren’t exactly accurate. I learned  that, in fact, Bob WAS a big deal and it’s okay to have our ‘muddy’ days.  I learned that the more open I was about my life- like, my real life, not the fake nice little life we sometimes try to convince people of- the more dear sisters (and brothers) embraced me!!!! Like, actually moved closer!  I was not alone after all.

You see, when we leave things in our head, that is where they get all muddled and mixed up and distorted. We tell ourselves no one will understand. We tell ourselves we already know how people will respond. We think for others and we don’t let them think for themselves.  Oh, dear sisters, we were made for fellowship, like real fellowship- our real selves- real hurts- real struggles- real love. Real love.

So, dear sisters, on this 50th post, which so appropriately falls on Thanksgiving, I am  grateful to have a space to share who I am. It has been scary, joy-filled and healing… all at the same time.

And, as my sweet cousins reminded me tonight, if sharing my journey allows for one dear sister to feel that she is not alone, then I consider myself blessed… redemption at its finest.

Redemption at its finest. 

 

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