My tussle with God

I’m working something out right now. You know those thoughts that won’t leave you alone, the ones that stir you up and you can tell that you and God need to sort something out?

It’s one of those.

And while it would be easy to get caught in the details of this tussle, it’s not important. Juicy, yes, but irrelevant just the same. 

Often these kind of issues are wrapped in shame or guilt, feeling that you somehow have let Him down, that He is disappointed, or pulling back.

Oh, it can be all sorts of issues, dishonest behavior, lying, cheating, impurity, anger, lust for someone else’s’ spouse. You name it, it’s there. And while it often may seem like a ‘grey area’, like you really could reason yourself into believing that your actions really are legit and justified. Really, God, this is nothing compared to some of my friends. In the scheme of things, this should be a non-issue. After all I have been through, this is totally fine. It’s not like I’m…. fill in the blank.

Yet, the minute you think of placing them before the Lord, you begin to feel a little restless.


So, that’s where I’m at, not sure how He feels about some stuff in my life. I’m not. Heck, Im’ not sure how I feel about it.

I know I hate the idea of sitting down and talking it out with Him. Yes, talking with God. I mean if that’s what the whole Bible is chocked full of, people talking with him, I really can’t identify myself as a Christian and not do the same. And that I am avoiding it, tells me where my heart is and how I struggle with this. It tells me, in fact, that is exactly where I need to be- sitting and talking with Him.

A few days ago, my therapist(yes, I see a therapist and you can get that whole story here.)  urged me to make time for God. Funny how I suddenly got too busy to talk with God. Friends, yes. Children, heck yes. God, not so much.

And, so I did… and an interesting thing happened. I get the deepest feeling that it was less about the issue- the content- and more about the time. God was after time with Me.

Just the two of us. Together.

He appeared delighted over the mere idea of us sitting together at the table. Me,  plopping down my pile of poop- silent- feeling like I didnt’ have much to say with that sitting in front of us. Him, Jesus, seeming in some odd way, waaaay more comfortable with it all that I could have ever imagined. Not approving, but understanding where I was and how I was feeling. There we were, the two of us. He said a little and I listened.

It felt good to be near Him. It eased my heart.

I have to wonder what else keeps us from being near Him…

And while I didn’t stay in this place long, I stayed long enough to know I want to return. That more discussion, more time,  was needed and that I would be incredibly loved in this space. I would be seen. I would be understood.

Oh, make no mistake. I still feel a little uneasy, because it’s not black and white like the church often makes every issue out to be. Nope, it’s complicated. Because life can be complicated. But, I walked away that day realizing it wasn’t about the ‘stuff’ it was about the time together. I had it all wrong!

Oh, dear sisters, sometimes I think we get in the way of God loving us. Our past hurts, our past trauma, our head knowledge. We get in the way of the glorious encounters He is longing to have with us.

How different life would look like, dear sisters, if we leave time to pick up our piles of poop- our hot mess- our confusion- our ‘grey’-  and set them down on the table before Him. Then take a seat and begin to talk… or to listen… or to just be with him, to see how even in the midst of our mess His love looks past it all.

In the midst of our smelliest mess… His love looks past it all. 



2 thoughts on “My tussle with God

  1. Gosh I feel like you write exactly what I would if I were a writer. I have really been struggling to take the time to talk to the Lord lately and I know it’s because I don’t want to talk about some issues (although the yes I know he already knows). And life just isn’t as simple and black and white as I used to think it was when I was in my married, Christian family bubble. Thank you for sharing! And please pray that I can get the courage and space needed to wrestle some things through with Him who loves me.


    • Your words are very much like mine… I feel the same. It’s just not simple anymore. Praying for you, dear friend. I am leaving for India in a few weeks, but any interest in grabbing coffee when I return? Would love to reconnect with you:)


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