Total fail

Have you ever had those moments either as a parent or a person that just seem like a total fail?

I’m not talking like you’re grouchy or just out of sorts, I mean like epic- utter- you’re not sure who you turned into- FAIL.

I had one of those yesterday. Total nose dive… and the weird thing is that it was like I saw myself going down. Mayday! Mayday! She’s not pulling up!!!!

It’s awful to watch yourself crash, right?

Please tell me I am not the only one what has done this!

The gang and I were cleaning the house and I just was mad. They were working hard and did I compliment them, ummm no. Could I pass by them and not say a thing, uh, wrong again.

“Go back and do it again.”  “You missed the corner.” “Honestly, you guys, there are kids that have to scrub floors all day long, like every day, and you are complaining about your knees hurting.” (Oh yeah, that was pure genius.)

And the weird thing is I could hear the voice in my head, reasoning with me, Just stop. Walk away. Give it some space. And, even though most of the time I listen and heed this voice, today I blew right past it. Bu-bye.

Our arguing climaxed, voices escalating back and forth as if we were raising the ante at a poker table.

Something about how my little was  likening herself to  Cinderella, to which I responded that she was acting more like the spoiled step-sister, to which she stood in front of our front door that was open (ughh…. not the open door. The neighbors!) and yelled at the top of her lungs that I was totally the evil-wicked- ugly (yes, she had to go for the jugular) step-mother.

Fail. Utterly. Total. Fail.

And with those that I love most of all. Ughh. Don’t you hate that?

The sea finally calmed after our raging storm.  What the heck just happened? I cried out as I nursed my wounds in our backyard.  My little team came and joined me. They were trying to make me laugh and again I heard the voice in my head, yet this time I decided to listen;  it’s about the repair. It’s what you do right now- in this very moment- that really matters. 

And so we took time to heal. I told them how I was feeling and that I was sorry and they all did something that let me know we were okay. A funny joke and a slap in the arm from one. Tears and a hug from another.

But healing with them wasn’t the only thing I needed to do.

I took time to review the day in order to figure out how I could avoid remaking that lovely moment of my life in the future. And as I slowed down the events  I realized  I was very upset and hurt about something before the day even started, something that had NOTHING to do with my kids, and because I hadn’t given space to what my heart was screaming about, it all came flying out at them.

Ouch. Does this sound familiar? A painful reminder that in tending to my own heart, I am a better mother, friend, daughter, therapist…

Oh, dear sisters and misters, my prayer is that you will model for those around you how to repair after the fallout, cuz let’s face it, if you are really doing life it always come.

Conflict will come. 

With co-workers. With friends. With our spouse. With our family. 

Conflict will come.

But, it’s how you choose to respond afterwards that really counts. How you respond to others. How you respond to yourself. Yes, yourself. Will  you let it go,  or do you berate yourself until the shame and the weight of it all, acts as a noose around your neck that feels like it is strangling you? Be kind to yourself, dear one. Let it go. Heal.

Dear friends, may the repair be where the healing takes place.  

 

 

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