Torn

Have you ever been stuck? Like completely stuck?  Like the kind of stuck, that prayer doesn’t even touch.

God I am listening. I really am, but I’m only hearing crickets right now… like nothing…still nothing.

There’s a decision to be made and everyone else seems to have an answer or know what you should do, but for the life of you, you can’t decide?

Ugh. I hate that feeling and yet, that is exactly where I am at. Oh, yeah, the answer always seems  clear when you are on the outside. “It’ s a no-brainer,” my friend quipped, “Just do it.” Yeah, that’s easy for you to say, you’re not responsible for three children. It’s not like I can make any decision and not think about the impact it has on them. 

Sometimes I get so tired of  making all the decisions.

I know when I get real desperate because I start coming up with crazy stuff, like I just need Jesus himself to show up and tell me what to do, because I will do it. I really will.  For crying out loud, just tell me what to do already! 

Okay, let’s think about this for a second. If Jesus really did show up, like standing in front of me,  I would probably be in total shock and pass out, thus not hearing a single thing that he had to say anyways.

Plus, if I were to be a little more honest here, I would add that while I really want to follow him, there are times I am simply wanting someone else who is way more qualified than I am to take over my life and make the decision for me.

It’s like I am playing hot potato with Jesus. No, you take it. Do something. Nope, yours again. Not me. I gave you my life. Your call. 

Ouch.

And it’s this last thought, dear sisters and misters, that really got me going. I mean I had to take  a real good loo inside and ask myself, is it him that I want or is it the control. Here me out here, I needed to find out if it was really Him I was after or just the comfort- the safety- the security-that comes with knowing that someone, in this case, a good and loving God, is in control of my life which often appears out of control and awfully scary.

It’s a tough one, isn’t it?

I have started asking myself in these moments, what am I really seeking? What am I reaching for and why? What’ s going on in my heart?

So what is at the crux of all this cognitive exhaustion… that would be Africa. I was invited to work with humanitarian workers in refugee camps near South Sudan in October. This is my love- my heart- my passion, yet so are my children. They are babies- large babies-  and they need a mother. If it weren’t so close to my India trip, I would be already jumping up and down and going  crazy (okay, I might have done a little of that already), but today, in this moment, I am torn.

I am no longer crying out for him to do something, tossing him this potato, but rather I am simply walking forward.

Looking around.

Looking at Him.

Walking forward.

Your prayers are appreciated, dear sisters and misters, as I make a decision in the next few days.

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