I have been quiet lately… well, quiet for me.
I have been feeling a longing back to a deeper intimacy with the Lord. This has been going on for some time, a whisper- a beckoning- back to a place where I feel Him close by, his presence near.
Oh, dear sisters, I have to believe that there are others feeling that same thing.
You may know it is the Lord or perhaps you don’t. Perhaps, you just feel a sense that there has to be more, that something- someone- is calling you.
This is what I love about our Lord. He doesn’t stop pursuing us.
He is relentless.
He is patient.
He doesn’t give up on us.
So, this week, I have been talking more with Him. Reading in the Bible again. But, I kept trying to make it look like what it used to, how we used to talk, and to be honest, it wasn’t working.
At first, I kept saying, Lord, take me back to what it was like, to how we talked and how we walked and we laughed together and cried together. I want to feel your arms like I did back then.
And funny thing, I kept getting this picture in my head from the old Willy Wonka movie, you know the one with Gene Wilder, which on a side note; he is totally creepy in that movie, not funny at all, just creepy. I’m not sure what they were thinking with that character. Worth mentioning, now moving on….
Now, the fact that I have visions of Willy Wonka running through my head isn’t that strange given how many times we saw the movie growing up. We watched it over and over again, eventually breaking the VHS tape. It was that movie. And might I add, that my sister Lea and I can rock this sound track.
So, I kept seeing this scene play in my head, where Willy Wonka is leading them into the main room in the chocolate factory. It’s full of gummy bear trees and frosting-filled tulips, not to mention the chocolate waterfall which seemed insanely awesome when I was a child. Heck, it still seems pretty stink in amazing.
But, to get there he leads them into a hallway and they are moving forward. He is trying to figure out how to open the door in front of them to get into that room chocked full of their wildest sugar dreams and the guests gets frustrated. They ask to go back the other way, to go back from where they came from, because it is what they knew. It appeared as if they were stuck… lost….
And, in all of his oddly alluring wisdom, Wonka urges them on,
“Oh, you can’t go backwards. You have to go forward to go back. Better press on.”
I let those words linger in from of me… You need to move forward.
And then it hit me, I can’t go back to what my relationship was like with God because I was different. I had changed. It couldn’t be the same…
…I wasn’t the same.
Too much had happened.
If what I was longing for was back there, in my past, I needed to move forward to get there.
And it was as if He (God, not Willy Wonka) was urging my on, whispering to me…
Yes, dear one, you are different now, which means we are different now. How we interact will be different. How you see Me will look different. My love will feel different. Oh, the intimacy you desire can still be there, but leave room for it not to be the same. Leave room for it to feel different.
Don’t we do that, dear sisters, at some point in our lives we have this amazing closeness with God and when we area not in that place, we long to be back there. And if we were really honest with ourselves, we often beat ourselves up, feeling condemnation and shame, for not being in that place right now.
So today is my day. Today is your day… today is your day to let it go. To let go what it used to look like and what it used to me, that relationship with God, and walk forward.. walk forward into something new.
Right where you are….
Knowing that He sees all that has happened to you. All that you have experienced. Your hurts. Your joys. Your disappointments… feeling let down… feeling uncared for.. feeling alone. He sees it all and beckons us on.
May today be the day we begin anew with Him.