So, I did something last night.
Something that was so hard for me to do. Something that even the person who received that something had nooooooo idea how hard it was for me to do.
Have you ever had moments like that? Where you were taking an action step- a huge leap for you- doing something different, doing something that you might not have had the strength to do even a few months earlier? You know what I am talking about here?
Well, I did that…. and I feel a little weird. I’m not going to lie to you… it just feels weird.
Weird…. unchartered territory.
It’s a strange feeling when you start growing…
Growing beyond what you used to do.
Growing out of your previous choices- your previous ways of coping.
Now, there is still a little voice in my head that has a tendency to freak out, This is not like you! What are you doing here! Don’t do this… this feels uncomfortable. Don’t mess with our system. It works well. It soothes you. And that voice is right… or it was.
But when we start to change those things that used to sooth us…
A delicious piece of chocolate cake that has nothing to do with being hungry.
Dishy talk with girls where trash someone else because we are feeling yucky about who we are- less than.
A really incredible make out session with someone we shouldn’t be making out with because you are missing feeling that closeness to someone.
Too much wine.
Too much exercise (and yes, there is such a thing)
Too much work (despite what the world tells you, this is NOT because you are a ‘driven’ person, this is feeding you, but what is it feeding…)
The list is endless… what would you add? What feeds you?
Yes, it’s freaking painful to take a really good look at this stuff.
Yes, we can run and run, but what good will that do, sisters, because when we lay our heads on our pillows at night, when it’s quiet, we still have to confront ourselves…
Oh, dear sisters, when we take the time to explore why we do what we do, what is working and what is not, that- that space- is where we will find grow.
And I saw that last night. I moved. I grew. I grew out of what would have worked for me in the past.
I can’t tell you it feels amazing, because it doesn’t. Not yet.
It just feels weird… but even in that weirdness, there is a peace, a quietness, that wasn’t there before, as if my actions are now matching what my heart is desiring, what my soul aches for. I feel more settled. Quiet.
I suppose this is what it feels when we start to care for ourselves, protect ourselves, nurture the person within.
My daughter summed it up perfectly. This morning on the way to school, she looked up at the mountains in front of us. “Mom, sometimes I just wish the mountains weren’t there. I really want to know whats behind them and if they weren’t there then we could drive straight through.” Hmmm… I get that babe, but if the mountains weren’t there then we would miss out on the beauty that they bring, and yes, is will take some effort to get up and over them. Actually lots of hard work, but don’t you think it’s worth it…. look how breath-taking they are.
Ahhh, there it is, dear sisters, let us not miss the beauty in the climb, the beauty in the work.