The last thing I feel like doing right now is writing. I can’t explain it except to say I ain’t feeling it. Nope. Not at all. I would rather have a root canal than be typing. I have been feeling this way for sometime and thus the absence of posts…
but I have this thought that keeps gnawing at me. Do you ever have that- a thought- that you really wish would leave you alone, but it keeps coming up again and again and again, so much so to the point that you start to wonder what is God up to?
And then it hit me.
I sit with my clients. We explore the idea of doing something- an act.
Calling a father. Going for a hike. Writing a letter…
even when they don’t feel like it. Like ever.
Like they will never wake up, stretch their arms and think to themselves, “I feel like having that hard conversation with my husband today.”
We discuss the simple yet mind blowing idea of making a choice to do something in the midst of not feeling like doing it. Why?
Because we know it is good for us.
We know we would be standing up for ourselves.
We know it is taking care of ourselves. Kinda like parenting ourselves.
And that is what writing is for me. It is good for my soul. Somehow I feel like God smiles when I write. Weird, right? I think so… but I feel it deep within. Writing is what I need to be doing… even when the thought is repulsive to me. It is crucial to me taking care of myself.
What is it, dear sisters? What is it for you? What have you been avoiding?
Is it calling that friend that you know you need to repair with?
Is it stopping and bending down and looking the homeless person in the face and asking their name rather than walking by?
Is it waking up tomorrow morning and go for that run/walk?
(to clarify, you think you will run and get a few minutes into it before bombarded with the mental accusation from within, ” who’s stupid idea was this?”, shifting gears to a small jog beautifully punctuated by heavy panting and occasional spitting with long stretches of walking in between… and then WILLING yourself doing it again the next morning and the next morning.)
Is it making time for a new activity you have put off for years even though it means walking into a room full of strangers and feeling awkward and uncomfortable?
A few parting words of wisdom from an unlikely guru- Devin.
Who is Devin you ask? Good question.
He would be the twenty something Soul Cycle instructor who bounced into class this week with a beyond perky personality that almost rivaled his coiled brown curls that seemed to spring from every direction of his head.
He is spouting his usual blah, “Are we setting goals this year?,” he shouts amid hoots and hollers.
Devin adds his own goal to the others offered up,
“My New Years Resolution is to get a girlfriend this year, Yeah!!!”, adding a fist pump in the air. (insert raised eyebrows here… oh youth, you seem so sweet and so far away)
Yearly aspiration needs a little help there, Devin. Maybe add a little something for helping humanity kind, end poverty or being a more positive person (although I’m not sure he can get more peppy). But as class started and the lights dimmed, this silliness seemed to fade into the backdrop.
Huffing and puffing our way up and down imaginary hills, I was enjoying this cherished beautiful 45 minutes of nothingness. Not thinking. Just being. Listening to my breath.
That’s why Devin’s words seemed almost an intrusion to the silence in my head at first…. but it hit so deep. I haven’t been able to shake it.
“2017 isn’t going to change you. You are the only one who can change you.”
There it was.
You are the only one who can change you.
While, I am preeeeety sure this proverb isn’t the baby of Devon’s mind, it is where it reached me.
We bring our same old self into this new year. New job. New location. New relationship…. and if we don’t do something different, we are not going to change.
Lord, I need your help. I know me. I know what I am capable of and I know I can’t change me on my own. I will get tired and whiney. I can’t do this alone… I wouldn’t want to try. I need you. I need your hand. I need to take steps even when I don’t feel like it. If I want to be different. If I want to grow that means stepping out when I don’t feel like it.
Oh dear sisters, may we have faith this year to do something- anything- event smallest thing- different.